11 Years Later

Today is a sad day for me. It might not appear that way to the outside world. I’m sure many people don’t even realize the sadness or the loss I feel. I don’t remind people who know what today is. I understand  the impact of today is far more important to me than to others. I also know it’s not because they don’t care. I just tend to be more quiet and to myself on June 1st every year now.

11 years ago today, my son was stillborn. Although he fought for 2 months to hang on, it became more than his little body could take. I blamed myself for the longest time. I thought: “What kind of mother can’t protect her baby inside her own body? Why was I able to carry 2 other children and keep them safe inside my body?” 

And yes, I carried anger towards God. I didn’t understand his decision to take my baby and make him an angel. I wanted him here with ME! Time did erase the anger. I won’t say I understand  but I’ve made my peace with God. 

Through the years, I have had many thoughts about why, could I have done something differently, why didn’t the doctor take me more seriously when I said something didn’t feel right, why didn’t I MAKE the doctor take me more seriously……….. Yes, many thoughts.

Time has a way of…..healing? Is that the right word? I’m not sure. It does get easier in some ways. You never forget. You’re never really the same. But you do go on, you do count your blessings, you do start breathing and living again. 

Happy 11th Birthday my little angel. RIP


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