Make Your Mom Proud

I can say I did not expect to end this year with saying good-bye to my mom. The holidays have been hell on me. But I know my mom wouldn’t want me to sit around in sadness. That enters my mind a lot.

I keep thinking about her strength and know she’s passed that on to me and my daughter.

A part of me feels overwhelmed at going on or thinking about pursuing my goals for 2012. And the other part of me says, you can’t not go on with your life, plans and goals, no matter how hard it feels. And that is the part of me who has my mom’s strength.

So many memories have surfaced since I lost my mom. Memories that have made me laugh and be in awe of my mom.

When I was a child, my family consisted of my parents, me, and our dog, Blacky. If you saw one of us, you saw the rest of us close by. So, when my parents took a vacation in Spain, without me and Blacky, I was stunned. We did everything together.

My mom and I would laugh every time I reminded her and my dad about that one time I wasn’t included. My mom would tease me and tell me to get over it. And I’d tell her no. That was our joke about Spain. When the Pastor at my mom’s funeral brought up Spain, it lightened my heart to think of how I teased my mom for not taking me.

When the doctor told me I was going to lose my son and to go home to wait for him to die, it was my mom’s home I went to. She was still recuperating from what was to be one of 10 years worth of surgeries. It was my mom who was by my side when I delivered Justus as we waited for the ambulance. I remember her calming effect on me during one of the most devastating times of my life.

When I was a child, I had a horrible nightmare in which my mom had died. I couldn’t get the nightmare out of my mind and told her about it as she and I walked to the commissary. My mom told me that meant she would live a long time since I had that dream. I don’t know that I quite bought into her theory but at the same time, it gave me comfort. These were the same words I shared with my daughter when she had a nightmare that I died.

My mom’s funeral is blurry in some parts of my memory. I expected that. One thing I will never forget is a friend of my mom who came to hug me after the service. She simply said, “Make your mom proud.” I felt so much comfort in her words and it runs through my mind on the days my heart is so heavy with pain and I have to tell myself to breathe.

I know it will take time for my heart to heal. I know it’s not going to be an easy path to walk on. I know I’ll have days where I just can’t get out of bed or stop crying. I know the hurt will ease up some. I know my mom would want me to go on and be happy. And I will, in time, simply because I am my mom’s daughter.

Here’s to 2012 and making you proud!

I love you, mom!

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